Today's shocking news for all was most definitely the sudden and unjustly premature death of Sam the Koala, the cute bundle of fluff that attracted audience's attention around the world to the devastating effects of the Black Saturday Bushfires.
But bizarely enough, Sam did not die of what one would assume a koala would naturally die from(whatever that may be). Apparently, their is an STD epidemic amongst the koala population and this more than any other form of diseases is what's causing their demise. According to Professor Peter Timms from the Queensland University of Technology, nearly 40-50% of the Australian(i'm not sure if there is another country they herald from) Koala population is infected with Chlamydia.
So what could possibly be my positive spin on this? I can hear you sigh. If bloody koalas can't learn how to role a rubber, than what hope do 16 year old boys have in the dark after a few too many VB's?
Personally, I think that there is an opportunity here for some great advertising. Think about it. You walk into the chemist. You're trying your best to avoid the glaring stares of that kooky eyed Nanna buying Tena incontinence pads in Aisle 6 and shuffle hastily towards the condom section. Inundated with the amount of choice at your fingertips, you reach for a packet with an unintimidatingly cute picture of Sam the Koala on the front. Walking proudly towards the counter instead of desperately trying to hide your intended purchase, you approach the desk clerk who smiles at you when she realises what you've bought. A little more confident now, you may even try to flirt with her, saying something along the lines of "I'm no koala. I wear a condom".
From there on, the possibilities are endless. Sexual Health clinics will display posters of Sam photoshoppically holding a packet of condoms in his paw with the tag line "Don't end up like I did. Wear protection" written underneath. Mobile STD Awareness groups that travel to schools will use a stuffed toy version of Sam to mime out how to put on a condom. And teenagers across the country will converse about their weekend saying "Yeah I slept with that really hot chick from biology". "Did you use protection?". "Yeah of course mate. What you take me for? A fuckin' koala?".
The list goes on and on.
So, readers, whilst again I have approached the touchy subject of death to brighten up your day, I hope you all understand that despite Sam unfortunate passing, their really is a silver lining to the cloud. All that needs to happen is some smart-arse PR geek smacks a few pictures on a condom packet and voila, a safe sex campaign featuring none other than Sam the Koala.
That's all for today folks. Until next time, don't worry. Be happy!!
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