Police poised for new strip search powers...I mean, street searchpowers...

Oh this one was just too good not to do.

For those of you that don't know me, I am madly, crazy, gooishly (yes I did just make up my own word in a blog), in love with the opposite sex (i.e the male variety) and relish any chance I can get to grab a sneak peek of said species' anatomy. Hence why I spend a lot of time at the beach with all my clothes on staring at "the sea".

What relevance does this have to do with the Victorian Government's latest crackdown on the latest spite in knife attacks within the Melbourne CBD? Well, according to The Age, under new laws, police forces will now receive the authority to stop and search anyone they please in a designated area of their choosing.

THAT BASICALLY MEANS TELLING REALLY, REALLY HOT GUYS TO GET THEIR KIT OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!!

Ok, so it's probably not as risqué as that but I'm sure if they were really suspicious of somebody, they wouldn't just allow them the walk off with a quick pat down and a "be good now you hear" from Sergeant Plod.

No, no. My vision of these new laws goes something along the lines of this:
A trio of really, really hot guys (aka, Wentworth Miller, Channing Tatum and Chace Crawford lookalikes), are walking through Federation Square with one of them displaying an odd bulge in his left front pocket (no ladies, not THAT kind of bulge). Anyway, Detective Sergeant Williams asks the boys to step over here quietly for a quick "search". Having been unable to produce anything resembling the suspicious bulge, the kind policeman asks oh lets say the Chace Crawford lookalike just for fun, to take off his shirt so that he can be certain he is not carrying any suspicious weapons.

The shirt comes off and BAM!. Yes, that ladies and gentlemen, is the sound of a hundred female jaws hitting the pavement of Fed Square in awe of this picturesque replica of the male figure. From there, the man is searched with nothing resembling the "bulge" (ok so maybe it was THAT kind of bulge) and the policeman quietly apologises informing CC that he is free to go. The men depart, leaving behind a hundred women all looking like they are attempting to catch snow flakes on their tongues in the middle of summer.

And that my loyal readers, is why you should not despair at yet another attempt to limit our rights to lawful protest but rejoice in the slim chance that you may get a really hot guy to flash his pecs.

Until next time, loyal readers, don't worry. Be happy!

Krikey! Even the koalas are at it!

Today's shocking news for all was most definitely the sudden and unjustly premature death of Sam the Koala, the cute bundle of fluff that attracted audience's attention around the world to the devastating effects of the Black Saturday Bushfires.

But bizarely enough, Sam did not die of what one would assume a koala would naturally die from(whatever that may be). Apparently, their is an STD epidemic amongst the koala population and this more than any other form of diseases is what's causing their demise. According to Professor Peter Timms from the Queensland University of Technology, nearly 40-50% of the Australian(i'm not sure if there is another country they herald from) Koala population is infected with Chlamydia.

So what could possibly be my positive spin on this? I can hear you sigh. If bloody koalas can't learn how to role a rubber, than what hope do 16 year old boys have in the dark after a few too many VB's?

Personally, I think that there is an opportunity here for some great advertising. Think about it. You walk into the chemist. You're trying your best to avoid the glaring stares of that kooky eyed Nanna buying Tena incontinence pads in Aisle 6 and shuffle hastily towards the condom section. Inundated with the amount of choice at your fingertips, you reach for a packet with an unintimidatingly cute picture of Sam the Koala on the front. Walking proudly towards the counter instead of desperately trying to hide your intended purchase, you approach the desk clerk who smiles at you when she realises what you've bought. A little more confident now, you may even try to flirt with her, saying something along the lines of "I'm no koala. I wear a condom".

From there on, the possibilities are endless. Sexual Health clinics will display posters of Sam photoshoppically holding a packet of condoms in his paw with the tag line "Don't end up like I did. Wear protection" written underneath. Mobile STD Awareness groups that travel to schools will use a stuffed toy version of Sam to mime out how to put on a condom. And teenagers across the country will converse about their weekend saying "Yeah I slept with that really hot chick from biology". "Did you use protection?". "Yeah of course mate. What you take me for? A fuckin' koala?".

The list goes on and on.

So, readers, whilst again I have approached the touchy subject of death to brighten up your day, I hope you all understand that despite Sam unfortunate passing, their really is a silver lining to the cloud. All that needs to happen is some smart-arse PR geek smacks a few pictures on a condom packet and voila, a safe sex campaign featuring none other than Sam the Koala.

That's all for today folks. Until next time, don't worry. Be happy!!

All Is Not In Vain...

Ok, so, probably not the best day to start an optimist's blog based on daily front page news. Today, I had a choice between the Somali Islamists foiled suicide terrorism raid and the death of a 2 year old girl called Hayley. Naturally, I chose The Herald Sun's coverage of the brutal, violent attack on an innocent infant.

What's that you say? My logic fails you? Yes, I'm not surprised. Most people would probably have chosen the exciting story of the Australian Army valiantly outsmarting the evil Somali Islamists with their wit and skill but my fair readers, I do not want you to think of me as merely a passive optimist. My job is to find the good in even the most terrible of situations, including that of the death of little Hayley.

For those of you who did not read this morning's article on the story, "darling two year-old Hayley" was brutally bashed in her home over one month ago and on Sunday, died as a result of severe brain damage caused by the incident. To make the situation even more tragic, her grandfather has just announced that his step-son, Hayley's father, committed suicide immediately following the charge laid against him regarding the offence. Her grandfather claims her dad was not the culprit.

Heavy stuff. But here's the good news.

Firstly, feel happy and safe in knowing that you live in a perfectly, non-violent family where bashing and violent outbursts are restricted to insults thrown at the footy on a Saturday afternoon. If, however, you do come from a family with a troubled history, take comfort in the fact that as a result of Hayley's death, your life might just become a little bit better.

In today's arcticle, Child Safety Commissioner Bernie Geary has pledged a "frank and fearless" inquiry into the handling of the Hayley's situation with the Child Protection Services. This means the entire system are about to get a kick up their backside. The good news with this is that Australian Child Protection Services will finally receive the overhaul they have so rightly deserved for the past 10 years.
As a result, inquiries into acts of domestic violence and claims of abuse will be taken more seriously so that deaths, like Hayley's, will become a thing of the past.

So, readers, I plead with you. Yes, shed a tear for little Hayley. But remember, that out of every tragedy their is no reason to let death go in vain. Whilst Hayley's death is a sad fact of life when it shouldn't have to be, the good news is that her death has created a major neon signing pointing right at the Child Protection Services saying "This Needs Work". And the major people involved in this issue are now taking notice.

That's all for today readers. Remember, don't worry, be happy!